Satanic prophecies, Christian hypocrisy; bury me deep in the filth and disease. Open my mind and then hammer it closed—into the darkness, I'm strangled and choked. Tracing the patterns and numbers in smoke—blood on my dagger from enemies' throats.
Content Warning: Suicide ideation and self-harm.
I've been off of my anti-depressants for about 3 weeks, maybe more, maybe less. I cut my wrist recently, maybe for fun. My classes have been going relatively well, some of the homework I occasionally find myself struggling with, and there's always too god damn much of it. I haven't really been doing any outside reading, my brain is simply scattered into too many different directions for me to follow through with any of the books I want to read at the moment. It's funny, I thought I was better than this. Even when I have the motivation to read, there's simply so many different paths to follow that I can never bring myself to make a decision about any of them. Then, when I've finally made a decision, all the time I should've spent reading has passed, and now it's time for homework again. Or work. Quite simply, I'm absolutely miserable in this condition. I know school is something I have to do to get out of the living situation I'm currently in, but most of the time when I'm busy with my classes I'd rather be doing anything else. Even when the material is something I'm interested in, the second it gets assigned for a grade I immediately lose all interest. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know if I'll even bother to continue my education after this semester. It's just like high school. Except this time I'm actually doing the work, mostly. For some godawful reason, my sociology professor assigned a group assignment for an entirely online class. There's only 3 days a week that I dedicate entirely to school, the other 4 days I have to work to make enough money to pay off my parents and keep my car at least somewhat operational. My group ended up finishing most of the group assignment while I was busy with work or trying to drink myself to death. So far, that's the only thing that's been assigned that I haven't managed to do myself. Although, I can't blame myself too much because I was at least there to help them out quite a bit with the first assignment that we had. All this and I'm only complaining about having to take 2 classes. Even still, I feel beaten and like I have nothing to look foward to. Continue my education, hate my life. Too much homework and too much regular work. Or, drop out, hate my life. Too much regular work, stagnant wages, eventual suicide. I feel robbed of any kind of future I can look forward to, regardless of what I choose. Maybe I'll just end up killing myself anyway. All this bullshit and I still have to pay to be here.